Why You Might Feel Too Much (or Not Enough) in Relationships

Anxious? Avoidant? Here’s what that really means in relationships.

Have you ever felt like you care way too much in a relationship while the other person seems to care way less? Maybe you’re the one sending long texts, overthinking every interaction, or wondering where you stand.

Or maybe it’s the opposite, like you start to feel smothered the moment things feel too close or too real. You want connection, but to a point.

You aren’t crazy, and you’re definitely not alone. These patterns are more common than you think. And they often have roots in what we call attachment patterns.

Let’s break this down…

A Quick Note Before We Begin

Attachment theory sometimes gets talked about in very black-and-white terms. You’re either this or that. Your parents either did this or that. But real life is more complex. We all exist on a spectrum, and our patterns can shift over time and across relationships.

I’m sharing this information not to box anyone in, but to offer a way of understanding patterns that show up in how we relate to others. Think of this as a roadmap to help you better understand your needs, emotions, and how you communicate them in relationships.

What Does Attachment Actually Mean?

Attachment is a way we learned to connect with others, especially in close relationships. It begins in early childhood (probably when we’re babies), based on how safe, seen, and supported we felt with the people who raised us.

For example:

·      If your caregivers were sometimes present and loving but other times distracted or emotionally unpredictable, you might not have known  when or how they’d show up. That inconsistency can be confusing (even if it’s unconscious).

·      If your caregivers were emotionally or physically distant or unavailable, you may have learned it was safer not to depend on others at all (again, this probably wasn’t a conscious thing).

And here’s the thing, these early dynamics don’t just stay in childhood (unfortunately). They show up in our adult relationships too.

What Anxious Attachment Looks Like…

Anxious attachment develops when our primary caregivers were inconsistent. They may have been loving, but they were unpredictable. Maybe your parent was super involved in your academics but rarely asked how you were feeling. Or they were affectionate one day and dismissive the next. This leaves kids feeling unsure of what to expect and often teaches them to second guess their own needs.

So how does this show up when they’re adults? These kids might grow into caretakers, people-pleasers, or overthinkers in relationships. They may chase closeness but feel unsettled even when they have it.

I’ve heard these people called “needy” and “clingy” (maybe you have, too). But the truth is:

 It’s not clingy, it’s your nervous system trying to stay connected because somewhere along the way you learned that connection wasn’t guaranteed.

What Avoidant Attachment Looks Like…

Avoidant patterns often form when a child couldn’t rely on consistent emotional support. Maybe you had caregivers who encouraged independence over expression. You were told to “be strong”, “stop crying”, or “handle it on your own”.

Even if your basic needs were met, your emotional world may have been ignored or downplayed. Over time, you learned not to expect comfort when you were struggling.

As an adult, this might show up as a strong need for space… sometimes too much. When someone gets emotionally close, you might pull back, feel overwhelmed, or start to shut down.

You may be highly independent, self-reliant, even high-achieving. But closeness feels complicated. Not because you don’t care. It’s that vulnerability hasn’t always felt good or safe.

Why Do Anxious & Avoidant People Attract Each Other?

It’s actually super common. It’s not about compatibility, but about familiarity.

The anxious person is chasing connection. The avoidant person is protecting themselves from overwhelm.

To the anxious partner, the avoidant feels out of reach – like love they have to earn (sound familiar?). And to the avoidant partner, the anxious person feels intense, like the pressure they learned to avoid.

It’s not always about the person. Sometimes we’re pulled toward the pattern. Because it feels like home, even if it hurts.

Can this Change?

Yes! These aren’t fixed labels or life sentences, they’re learned patterns. What’s learned can be unlearned.

Therapy can help you…

·      Understand your relationship patterns

·      Feel more secure in yourself

·      Communicate your needs more clearly

·      Build relationships that feel safe and mutual

You don’t need to “fix” yourself. You just need to understand what your past taught you, and choose something different now.

by Samantha Fuchs, LMFT